March 21, 2025

Letter to the Editor: The Folks From Thisarea And The Orangeman

LETTER TO THE EDITOR — We the people from Thisarea are a peaceful lot. Thisareans do not fight often except at table tennis where we are Elbows Up Always. Mostly we wish to be left alone to quarrel gently with each other. We are content to be exploited by others as long as we, the exploitees, get to choose who will exploit us.

Yet not long ago came from the South the ORANGEMAN and his Orangemen (for most assuredly they were largely large Musky men who ate toasted teslatosterone sandwiches for breakfast.)

The ORANGEMAN would not speak to anyone who did not refer to Him in reverential Upper Case. We did not do so.

“You are nasty, very nasty,” said He.

“You Shall Not Be,” said He.

“I will tithe you and triple tithe you until the beautiful Murrican cows come home.”

This of course annoyed the hell out of the folks of Thisarea. So we rose as one from our farms and forests and fisheries and factories and poutine parlours and donut shops. We knew we had something the ORANGEMAN wanted.

“You shall not have our treesap,” said we.

“But who shall lead us?” said we. “Who shall keep our precious bodily syrup beyond the clutches of the ORANGEMAN?”

Thisarea turned first to our almost hereditary leader, our most fabled tabletennisist, our Great One Wayne Gretzky, to lead us — only to learn he had abandoned us. He had supped at the table of the ORANGEMAN. And so Wayne Gretzky became Wane Gretzky the Grate One and we shunned him mightily.

Yet there arose a heroine among us, a maid who had lived among the Orangemen, a woman who had been stoned with scones from a scone shop in Dunedin Florida for booing the Orangemen’s national anthem, The Star Strangled Banner, at a winterball game. Mabel Syrup was her name.

Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed.

“You shall not have our treesap,” Mabel Syrup said. And to be sure that the ORANGEMAN heard her, she said in the polite way we from Thisarea put things, “I’M SORRY, PARDON ME, BUT YOU SHALL NOT HAVE OUR TREESAP,” Mabel said.

And we heard her. We heeded her. We watched Mabel on cable and even upon that viperous nest of woke socialists the CBC. We came together from just about everywhere – from Thisarea, and from Thereabouts and from Joey Bat’s Arm and Nanaimomo but not from Alberta which, short of treesap, clutched oil to its bosom until it could sell its oily bosom to the ORANGEMAN.

And we said to the Land of Teslatosterone, “You shall not have our treesap any more. No Truck nor Trade With the Yankees. And we will not buy from you what you value most. We will not buy your nuts. We will be nutless, not gutless.” In the words of Mabel’s less than perspicacious but nonetheless patriotic sister Dim Hortense, “We don’t want no more of your Dim Bits, eh?”

We will kick your nuts everywhere. We shall not buy your nuts in our supermarkets nor in our snack bars nor from the treat trolleys on our airplanes flying into the belly of the Orange Beast. We shall fight your nuts on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

And therein lies the origin of Thisarea’s new established religion, the Dim Hortense Nonut Chain.

Elbows Up!

John Butler,
Wareham

 

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